Keeping Trust Between Husband and Wife
Establishing marriage with a life partner, a soulmate and a companion in life is one of the blessings bestowed upon us by Allah SWT.
As mentioned by Allah SWT, a husband and wife are garments to each other in that they offer protection from fitna as well as support one another into being better Muslims and people.
Add children to that equation and the husband and wife relationship is not just about them two but many other souls that they are responsible for and affect in their day to day interactions as a married couple.
The imam mentioned the 34 ayat of Sura Nisa in relation to this point. It is translated to say:
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all).
Dear brothers and sisters, the ayat mentioned has too many lessons and wisdoms for todays reminder to do it justice so it is worth mentioning that in the context of trust, Allah SWT places importance on this relationship in this ayat.
Alongside this, the imam also spoke of the following hadith in which the Prophet SAWS is reported to have said:
“The most serious breach of trust in God’s sight on the day of resurrection …” …“Among those who will have the worst position in God’s sight on the day of resurrection is the man who has intercourse with his wife, and she with him, and then spreads her secret.”* * i.e. talks about the subject to others, or tells people about defects or beauties he has found in her.
Dear brothers and sisters, the prophet SAWS is the best of teachers and he emphasised the importance of trust in this guidance to mankind and we need to be mindful that this isn’t just about shedding the intimate secrets of husband and wife, it is about the greater point of trust between the husband and wife.
So what does it mean to establish trust between husband and wife? And how can trust be lost so that we can avoid those mistakes?
What follows are a few practical tips to avoid in order to keep the trust between husband and wife.
- Deception or lies. This is a primary trust breaker between husband and wife. We need to make sure that we don’t fall into this trap and deception is different from lies because deception is where we may not necessarily tell our spouses something which isn’t true but its also keeping things from them, it is telling others first so that your spouse finds out from other people, etc. This is where trust is eroded and we need to be mindful of that.
- Insecurity. This is applicable to both husband and wife. We need to be mindful enough to know that our spouses have insecurities. This is human nature. Whether it is their looks, weight, financial status or something else, there is nobody else with such a close relationship as a spouse and therefore insecurities cannot be hidden from each other. Therefore, as garments to one another, we should make the effort to avoid situations which highlight their insecurities and alongside that, we should be coaches and therapists to one another in that we should be that person they can come to when they want to talk about their insecurities so that they feel better about themselves. Without the spouse providing this role, it will be sought elsewhere which can then lead to other problems.
- Habits. As a husband a wife, we are only too aware that the life we live before getting married substantially changes after we get married. Some habits, traits or behaviours which may have been acceptable as a single person are no longer compatible in a marriage. We need to be mindful of this and make changes for the sake of one another. For the husbands, if your thing was to go to cafes every weekend, understand that your life is now evolving into a married life where the weekend is to be spent in the company of your wife and where she wants to go. Sisters, if you have a habit that doesn’t sit well with your husband and it is something you can change, then make that sacrifice for the sake of your marriage. Whether its your friends, your habits or something else, as partners in marriage we work together to compromise on what works for the sake of the marriage.
Dear brothers and sisters, we can see how things can affect the marriage and the trust that is its backbone. And so we conclude with the final point on how we ought to be as a husband or as a wife so that we can eliminate the bad traits.
Taqwa or being concious of Allah is repeated multiple time in the Khutba when you get married. A couple who base their relationship in Taqwa of Allah is always aware and conscious of what they are doing in presence and in absence of their spouse. In other words, they recognise that marriage is a blessing from Allah SWT and that they work at their marriage, not because of some love-story from Bollywood but because they recognise the blessing of Allah SWT in being given a spouse, a life partner and a garment.
